I recently got a rare visit by one of my elderly aunts. In the middle of our discussions, she said something in Yoruba that got me thinking; “Iyawo ti o ma ba yin kan ale ni o ma fe”. Loosely translated, it means: You will marry a wife that will stay with you into the night. Basically it means that whoever I marry will be someone I will be with till the end of one of our lives. I thought about this almost all night. Not because I was hearing something new, but because in the desire to find Bae (before I become a professional bachelor), it is important for me to take a look beyond the surface and find a love that endures.

Most standard relationships begin with friendships, boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. That’s usually how the story goes in the movies. In reality, not so straightforward. Sometimes boy meets girl, one person pretends to be who they are not, one party is only concerned about the other person’s money (yes there are men who marry women for their money), someone is interested only in the person’s physical attributes, in some cases, one is interested in how much value the person’s name and social status can add to them. These and many more are not works of fiction, they are things I have seen happen before my very eyes. Small wonder why the divorce rate in my generation is higher than in my parents’.

I’m still very single and some have said it is because my standards are too high. Please leave it like that; if I do not have standards, I will settle for anything available. Believe me it is not that deep; better a lifetime of peace in singleness than the nightmare of a bad marriage.

Speaking of standards, I do believe there should be some minimum standards when it comes to looking for a partner to jump the broom with.

1. Balance: Your relationship must be balanced. A marriage will not work if one party thinks they are doing the other a favor or that they are superior to the other. If two must become one, pride and ego must be discarded; the sentiment that one has a better pedigree or better background and is therefore better, must go.

2. Communication: I’m not saying we all have to be chatter boxes, but talking a lot and often about real things is important. I’m not talking about Game of Thrones or lamentations about the Nigerian economy. I’m talking goals, needs, things that make us happy (or otherwise), secrets and all the other important stuff.

3. Motivation: Your significant other should inspire you to do better than you are currently doing and encourage you. They should bring out the best in you.

4. Endurance: Like everything in life, there are always difficul periods in relationships. Whether the strain is from within or without, that person should be ready to go through it with you. Anyone that runs away at the first sign of trouble is not marriage material. Your significant other should stand by you no matter what.

I have seen relationships where the communication is almost subliminal at times. They don’t talk, but they know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Such relationships are amazing and that is a goal I aspire to.

I’m sure I’m not the only one out there looking for an enduring love. By God’s grace we will find it, but please don’t settle for just anything. If it must be done, it must be done well.

The force be with you

Selah